let's talk about mental illness

Hey fellow reader. Today I wanted to talk about mental illness and the ones that affect me and that I deal with on a daily basis. I have a feeling this post is going to be very long, so grab a snack and get comfortable.

10/12/17:

Mental Illness as a whole has a huge stigma, and I mean huge. Everyone thinks that it's so shameful and something to hide, when in reality it doesn't have to be that way. The fact that people are so incredibly ashamed of their mental illnesses to the point that it's only make their mental illnesses worse is not okay.

For me, it's depression and anxiety that I deal with daily. They affect me in both expected and unexpected ways. At some points, it's difficult to explain to others what my inner turmoil is like up inside my head. They don't understand. They says it's all in my head, and that it's not real. Most of all, I see and hear that "I need to get over it." That is one that absolutely infuriates me to my core. You know why? Because they think it's something I can control. As if there's some kind of magical switch in my brain that will just turn my crippling anxiety and debilitating depression off. If only it were that easy! If only I could flip that switch and make everything in my life 'normal,' as if there even is a normal. If only I could control it, then I'm sure my life would be one-thousand times easier. But, it's not that easy. It never is with mental illness.

Now, I can only speak for myself and not for others who may have different types of mental illnesses or a higher severity of mental illness, so don't come at me if I say something you may not agree with or you don't find particularly relative to you. Everyone deals with mental illness differently. Everyone is affected differently. Nobody is the same and that's okay. I personally am affected by my anxiety the most. It has affected me pretty much since I can remember. It has effected me so much to the point where I have a diagnosed anxiety disorder on top of my already severe anxiety. The disorder I have is called Selective Mutism. It's caused extreme anxiety, usually in the form of a internal panic attack, that is so intense that it renders me mute until that anxiety goes away. It's so weird to describe what it feels like when theses panic attacks take place, but I'm going to try. When this anxiety starts, it's usually in times of uncomfortability. For example, when I have to order food at a restaurant. Or, when I have to check out at a store. In fact, it happens mostly in times when I have to encounter or talk to people that I don't really know or aren't comfortable around. For me, it happened a lot when I was in public school. I was often called "The Quiet One" and people characterized me as that. There would be times when I would have to read outloud or do a presentation and I just wouldn't be able to. It was like my voice was gone. I didn't understand it, and it's still a bit difficult for me to fully comprehend what happens to me when these panic attacks happen. I lose my voice, and my throat feels like it's closing. I get very flustered and it's like I can feel everyone looking at me, even when I know, rationally, they probably aren't. It's just that pure panic that sets in and I just don't know what to do. I try to speak, but I can't. Sometimes, however, I am able to push through and talk. Those times are more rare, though. I've gotten a lot better over the years since discovering I had selective mutism, but it's still immensely difficult to overcome that initial anxiety. I've been able to check out at stores, but I still have that anxiety every time I do so. I'm able to order my own food, for the most part. Sometimes I'm unable to get the words out, and so someone around me has to step in and help me. But, I can tell that they don't like that they have to do that for me. It's a burden on them, and my mom especially. She has three other kids besides me, so you can imagine how busy she is. It's a lot for her, I'm sure. But, I also don't want to make excuses for her because I know that I'm still her daughter as well. And, yes, I'm 18. Yes, I should be able to do these things others find incredibly simple and easy to do, but I don't. I'm sorry, but I just don't. I know I am getting better. I try everyday to get better at handling my anxiety and depression, but it's so incredibly difficult when they consume who I am and make me into someone I'm not.

I know what you might be thinking now: why doesn't she get something to help her? Like meds or some other form of help? Trust me, I have tried many things. Personally, I don't believe meds are my solution. If worse comes to worse, I suppose I will have to take them, but I don't want that to be my solution and something I'd have to take for the rest of my life just to feel somewhat sane. I shouldn't have to, either. I feel like there is a possibility of me figuring this all out on my own and finding something that works for me and helps me to function. "But, Grace?" You say, "Aren't those meds supposed to do that for you? Wouldn't it be so much easier?" Maybe. Quite possibly, yes. But, I really don't want that to be my end-all-be-all, you know? If I can find a solution that works for me that isn't taking meds, then I'm 100% down to do that. However, until I figure out myself and who I am, I don't want to commit to something that could ultimately change my entire future. It's possible it could change my future positively, yes, but I still think there's better solutions out there. Working out, essential oils, therapy, writing, etc. All of those are things I think could benefit (and some actually have) me and my anxiety and depression.

10/18/17:

Currently, I've been struggling an awful lot to balance my job and taking college courses. I'm only taking 3 classes right now, since my job takes up so much of my time, but it's still a lot for me. I'm not sure how long I'll be able to keep going this way. I knew from the very beginning that it would be a lot for me. It's my first ever job (and it takes up 28.5 hours of my time weekly, I might add), and my first time taking 3 college classes -- and doing them both at the same time. I didn't ever expect to be doing this and to be thrown into it so suddenly and without a chance to say 'no.' I told my parents way before I started everything that I don't know how well I'll be able to handle all of this. Now, to any normal person who has a handle on their mental illness or maybe doesn't have a mental illness at all, they might find my schedule very simple and somewhat easy for them. But, I'm not them. I have anxiety and depression which clouds my mind so severely that it often prevents me from doing a lot of things normal people might find easy.

With my anxiety, it's like having someone in your brain all the time running a marathon. They don't stop. It's never ending. My thoughts often feel like their so happening so fast I barely have time to process them before I do something, write something, say something, etc. Everything goes so fast in my brain due to my anxiety, and I'm unable to stop it. It causes me to overthink, to panic in situations I most of the time shouldn't be panicking in, and to say a lot of stupid stuff that I don't mean most of the time.

On the other hand, my depression is the flip side to my anxiety. It's basically the opposite in most ways. I often times feel hopeless, immensely sad, and overly emotional about everything. It makes me have episodes of severe depression where I lose all motivation to do anything. Most times, I wonder if life is worth living. So far, I've gotten myself out of those. But, more recently, it's been getting harder to do so. I feel like I'm in an episode as I'm writing this right now. My depression makes my brain feel slow and foggy, like I can't even form a coherent thought, let alone function like a normal person. The only thing motivating me to write this right now is my anxiety. I'm worried that if I don't write this that I won't have a blog post to post. But, the depression side of my mental illness makes me want to stop writing, turn off my computer and never do anything ever again. I don't want to go to work tomorrow. I don't want to do my midterm assignments. I don't want to do much of anything at all. Ultimately, though, I know that I have to or otherwise there will be far more horrible consequences. So, in other words, my anxiety is what's getting me through my days. I get so anxious about the consequences that I figure it's better to just endure the awful assignments and stressful work just rather than make myself happy by doing what I want to do with my life.

If I had the choice, I wouldn't have these mental illnesses. I'd be far happier, and I'd actually do things that I want to do. I'm not happy where I am right now in my life. I'm not sure I will be. I'm not sure how long I'll be stuck like this. I feel stuck, have I mentioned that yet? There's a song that I feel like perfectly describes what I've been feeling lately and it's called 'Repercussions' by Bea Miller. Some of the lyrics that I feel like relate to how I'm feeling are:

"My point of view has been altered because I'm never looking out through my own eyes."

"I don't know when I misplaced my own perspective, so now I've gotta take back what was mine."

"So tired of this stagnant place that I keep living in - don't know how it happened, but I'm wearing thin."

"Set fire to my own damn mind, and leave inhibitions behind."

"People keep saying that I'm over dramatic, and everything and actually okay."

"But I'm living on the verge of a panic, and now I gotta find a way to break."

The lyrics in bold are ones that I identitfy with even more strongly than the rest.

10/30/17:

At this point, I don't even know if I'll post this. It's beyond personal and I feel very vulnerable about it. I don't know, maybe I will post it. If I do, and if you're reading this -- thank you. I may not know who you are, but I just want to thank you anyway for reading this far. This post was incredibly personal and extremely deep. I want to tell you a bit more about something I went through today that changed my perspective on my life a little bit.

Today, I realized how much my mental illness has effected my life over the last few weeks specifically. It's hit my extremely hard and there were times I felt like giving up, and there were times when I did give up on certain things. But, I've come to the conclusion that my mental illnesses have effected me on such a deep level that I actually didn't even realize how much they were effecting me. I woke up today, and I knew I had to get this midterm exam done for my U.S. History class. I had been procrastinating it for a long time, but I knew I had to get it done today because, to my knowledge, it was due today. However, it turns out, I didn't read everything clearly, nor did I comprehend when the due date and time actually was. In my mind, it was due by the end of the day, but that wasn't the case. It was actually due at 8AM today. By the time I woke up, that time had already passed. I didn't know of this due date time until 3 hours after the fact. I worked on my exam for about two hours before I realized that the time for submitting the exam had passed. Naturally, I started panicking. Of course, right after I realized this, my mom came home and that's when I went into a full blown panic attack. I was crying uncontrollably, but still trying to contain my sobs, although that proved to be nearly impossible because I was just so incredibly panicked that I wasn't sure what to do, what to feel, if I could submit the exam or not. I had been working hours on this over the weekend, thinking I had today to submit it. I was sure of it. But, really, I had no clue because I didn't read everything I was supposed to. It went right passed me and I never even realized. My mom said she'd email my teacher and see what she could do, and I calmed down slightly, knowing full well the teacher could just shut me down and say, "Nope. You missed the deadline. No excuses or free passes." I automatically assumed that I would fail the class if he didn't let me complete the exam, and I think I probably would fail it if I wasn't able to. Like, it's not just a possibility, it's a certainty. I thought that all my hard work would be for nothing.

This happened just a few days ago as well. I went into my history class and realized that I had assignments that I didn't even know of due. All because I didn't check the syllabus or list of weekly assignments due. I wasn't keeping track of what I needed to get done, and therefore that ended in me not being able to get them done at all. I was already panicked about those assignments, but quickly let it go because I figured it would be fine because the teacher drops the lowest two grades of the quizzes and discussion posts(which were what I was supposed to submit that week). But, truly, my mental illness clouded my brain and made me procrastinate and not check in on my assignments or classes. A part of me knew I had to, but I really didn't want to nor did I see the need to because I was just so depressed and anxious. Everything was so overwhelming, and it still is, so to go in and see everything I have due overwhelms me to the point where I shut down and I'm basically incapable of completing anything at all -- ever. I know this is a horrible mentality, thus why I want to talk about it.

After this panic attack happened, and my mom emailed the teacher, we figured everything out. The teacher gave me an extension and now I have a couple more days to finish the exam. However, I think I'm gonna get it done by tonight just because I really came to this amazing revelation today. That revelation was that I need to wake up and realize what's happening around me. I need to pay more attention to the things I'm doing or not doing. I need to focus more on what's important, instead of letting my mental illness control me. I know that I can't always control when my mental illness affects me, but I'm going to start trying. I've been battling it for most of my life, so I don't intend to stop any time soon. I can't let this get me down. So, I snapped out of my panic and immediately realized that I needed to buckle down and get myself together -- big time. All day today I've been working on all my work that I now realize I am behind on, and I'm getting it done. I took a break from it to write this, and frankly I'm glad I did because it's helped me a lot.

I hope this inspires you in some way. Just know that no matter what, you don't have to let your mental illness define who you are. It doesn't have to consume you like I let it consume me. I'm sure I'll have many more ups and downs due to my mental illnesses, and that's okay. I'm just now starting to manage it in a reasonable way. Up until today, I was behind on all my work, and I wasn't putting my genuine and true effort into both my work and my school work. I was letting everyone down - including myself, and I don't want to be like that anymore. This post took multiple days, with long periods of time in between, to write and that was simply because I usually would feel too overwhelmed to write. But, today was kind of a wake up call and now I feel like I'm ready to take on the week, one day at a time, and see where the rest of my journey takes me.