I'm stuck. Not physically, but in every other way.

Hi.

I'm not sure how to really start this post, or where it will go, so I'm just going to keep writing and hope it makes sense as I go. As you could probably assume from the title of this post, I'm stuck. Of course, I don't mean literally stuck. That would be weird. Also, slightly crazy because I wouldn't be able to write this post if I were literally stuck. Anyway, back to my point that ridiculously just avoided, I say that I feel stuck because, well, that's how I feel. I don't know how else to describe it. It's like I'm at a point in my life where I'm both extremely busy, but also I have nothing to do. Do you know what I mean? No? I'm going to describe what I mean either way, so don't worry.

For awhile now, I've felt a bit stagnant; unable to truly live or be happy living. Part of that, is because of my depression --which I still am working through-- but I know that could be so much happier in my life, instead I'm stuck. It's like all my life is is work and college. That's it. Nothing else. Ever. It's lowkey driving me a bit crazy. So much so that I feel like I can't even go out in public without people thinking I'm strange. Honestly, I feel like I'm losing my mind and slowly, but definitely surely, I am losing myself and who I am.

I posted on twitter today that I felt like I simultaneously knew and didn't know who I was. What I meant by that was that I have simply an idea of who I am. I know who I am so far. I know parts of me. I know who I've become due to the experiences I've had in my life thus far. But, I know there is so much more of me I have yet to learn. I have so much to learn about the world, and the people in the world. I want to experience things. I want to see things up close. I want to go places and be someone other than this person I am right now. I have yet to get to know her, and I feel like she's just begging for me to do so, but I keep shutting her down. It's difficult to reject this person I know I have yet to meet within me. I'm desperate to get to know who I am, but yet I know I can't -- not yet at least.

There's so much life that I have yet to experience, and with those experiences, I'm hoping to learn more about who I am as well as learn about the world. But, like I said, I can't. I'm stuck. I don't really have a choice right now. If I quit my job or college, both or just one of them, then I know I'll have major repercussions. My entire family, extended family, and so many more, will wonder why. Why would I quit? Why waste my time? Why not just stay in college or keep my job? ... It would be a lot. Especially for me because I have such a big family, including my extended family, that I would be affecting. They'd all wonder why and they'd judge me. If they asked, I would have a clear answer for them, but I'm not sure they'd understand where I'm coming from. Overall, it'd be a tough weight to bare, so I just stay stuck and hope for the best.

People say you're supposed to discover who are in your college years. I really want to do that. But, how can I when the only places I go are to work and home? I mean, I do have my license and I can go places -- just not very far. It's very limited. I'm very restricted. Or, at least I feel that way.

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before or not, but I'm going to mention it again: I've always wanted to travel. Traveling has always been an ultimate dream of mine. I always thought it was a far fetched dream, but one nonetheless. Every time my family and I have traveled, I've enjoyed every second of the journey. The experience of traveling gives me so much happiness that I can't even explain the feeling I get from it. I love seeing the sights. Seeing new people, new places, new smells, new excitement. It's when I'm the happiest and I feel the best. But, it's very rare that I get to do so.

When I say I'm stuck I mean it in more than one way, if you couldn't tell already. I'm stuck in my life. I'm stuck in my house. I'm stuck doing my job. I'm stuck attending college. I'm stuck living a life I don't want to live. It's like I'm a vessel for other people to live through. I'm not doing anything for myself, and that's why I feel like I'm losing who I already know I am and who I have yet to know.

All I know is that if I don't get out of this life soon, I might break. I don't want to break. I want to be free. I want to experience true happiness. I want to see more places. I want to live.

But, until then... I guess I'll just stay stuck.